Things I Never Thought I’d Say (But Routinely Do)

Oh, kindergarten. So often I catch myself uttering sentences that are so outrageous they could only be uttered in a kindergarten classroom. And, well, then there are the sentences that I’m oh so used to:

Don’t wear your lunch box.

Is that clay in your hair?

It’s spelled “F-O-R-K.” Your have to say the “R.” It’s not pronounced “FUCK.”

When you say “SIX,” you have to say “I,” not “E.”

Don’t eat your hair.

Don’t eat your crayons.

Don’t eat the water-color tablets.

Why are you eating your pencil?

We don’t eat paint-brushes.

Are those eraser shavings around your mouth?

Don’t eat your hair ties. Or your barettes. Or your scrunchies.

Stop eating your paper.

Seriously, stop chewing your paper.


What on earth are you wearing today?

You need to wear underwear to school.

Drink your water like a little boy, not like a little dog.

How’d you manage to spill that all over yourself?

We don’t throw our food in the air.

We don’t throw our food on the floor, either.

We do NOT sucker-punch the other children.

We do not spit on the table in order to clean it.

Don’t lick the table.

Don’t lick Awan. No, don’t lick Nataliya, either.

We eat our grapes, we don’t shove them up our noses.

Wow, you’re like, a certifiable psychopath.

Walk, don’t run.

What was this kid’s parents thinking?

Ok, well, sure, why not. Close enough.

It’s not good to eat a chocolate bar for breakfast.

Let’s not draw on Lano with your markers.

And let’s not draw on your face, either.

Ok, just give me the markers.

You’ll get your toy back at the end of class.

Don’t stand on your chair.

Don’t sit on the desk.

Don’t sleep on the floor.


Stop pinching Havyar.


3-2-1 SHHHHHH.

Class, it’s too loud in here.

Ok, class. If we’re quiet then we can watch Dora.

Ok, class. If we’re quiet then we can go outside.

Ok, class. If we’re quiet then we can – oh, heck, just run free.

What IS that stain?

How did the classroom get so dirty?

Let’s send a note home with Meer Muhammad to explain that bruise…

Seriously, it’s like a tornado ran through here.

Is it a full moon tonight? That would explain a lot.

Are you a changeling, or what?

I really hope you grow into your head.

No, we’re NOT going outside right now.

Just wait.


Not yet.

Ok, now.

Only x hours to go…

You’re really lucky you’re so cute.


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